Who Am I? - By Paul B. Peddie

Who am I? No seriously, who the fuck am I? I struggle every day to not seem insane, to not seem crazy, sometimes it's like I've gone back to being a mere baby, but see, a baby and its gestures are known to the society, so then I shall dub that as the wrong analogy, for only the things not collectively taught or agreed upon, can make you seem like an insane individual.

Most of the people I meet are all caught in the stories, fairy tales, some happily ever afters, some living nightmares, and in that breath I understand why they call the opposite being "woke", because we've placed our "being" in sleep mode, and have totally taken on the full life of the persona, that character who was given a name at birth.

See nothing is wrong with where we are... No scrap that, everything is wrong with where we are, it's just that we've been led here by people who already understood what we long should've known. So they gave us stories and we took them as our own, but that's not where the sad part lies, it's the fact that we've cozied up in their arms and digested all of their lies, got burped and started to spread extended stories of our own, see now they've allowed me to use my analogy in a better way, for even as adults we are acting somewhat like babies today.

Thus commencing the submission process, giving cause to a revolution, but not the kind that comes to mind, first we have to fight a revolution against our personas, for they have taken over so much that no change can happen until individual changes do.

Somewhere along the line feeble things wouldnt exist, like comparing the vehicles we've been given to travel in, and by vehicles I do mean our bodies, whether it's committing suicide because you're overweight, or physically attacking someone because of their shade.

It goes way deeper, but if I continue then I myself would only be giving you my story to follow, so just give it a thought, who are you? When the question is directed to me, I'm still unsure of the answer, but I can tell you what I am not, and that's a mindless follower, a "zombie", a believer of your stories, I am not a quintessential of the personas you try to create, rather, label me crazy, label me insane.

By Paul B. Peddie.
Oct. 30th, 2017.

One New Step - By Paul B. Peddie

Once upon a time I stood in line, no interjection of any kind, listened to my elders though their teachings weren't always clear, had respect even when it was clear that it wasn't always shared. Being taught everyone's version, tested everyone's cure, thought I was doing the right thing, steadfast life ahead, filled with blessings I was sure.

Once upon a time, turned into yesterday, once upon a time turned into now, I questioned their teachings after failing to see results, I got greeted with disgust, laughter, and hypocrisy, yet no answer left their mouths.

Insults from the ones who teach, yes, Insults, they labelled me as rude, because I stripped their doctrine and left it in the nude.

Their confusion could've lead to my doom, for more and more I became consumed, knitted in their doctrines slowly it became my only truth. Luckily through the pain I got lessons that were taught, some without a single word, lessons that came naturally upsetting their course, a course set for my entrapment, a trail of lies and deceit, presented so nicely like fine aging cheese.

Once upon a time I learned I was never blind, and started to remove the tacks they've used to seal my eyes, ripped off the blinkers that blocked some of my vision, washed my eyes of their sticky lies, so that once upon a time, was left behind, and I started my journey, one new step at a time.

By Paul B. Peddie
July 28, 2017.

Counterfeit - By Paul B. Peddie

Just as material things have reaped counterfeit, comparison in sight, never mind the cutback on quality... so has love manifested false truths, Ideal in looks, size, even shape, but the ingredients, the quality, never one in the same.

Our idea of Love manifested in some unfortunate ways, romantic novels, movies, quotes, Instagram stories and even Facebook posts. A few of the ways, so called made to entertain, shoved loved out our hearts and sent the counterfeit to our brain.

The counterfeit love mainly seeks to please self, what the other has to offer to your physical, mental or emotional wealth. It deals with ownership and possession, see I love you, but as long as you're here with me, if you leave, then you can no longer fulfil my need. And simple things make you tell yourself your love is true, of course you're gonna be concerned about the others health, they're no good to you unless they're ok themselves.

This counterfeit love bears only sour fruit, from the results to the children who learn these false truths. Anxiety and pain,  expectations and complaints, lauding an individual with empty compliments to fill the silence in your union, material possessions, monetary gifts used to fill the gaps for these knockoff relationships never truly fits.

If a gift is not given, then love can turn to hate, if a birthday is forgotten, if you purchase silk instead of satin. The counterfeit takes many forms, material monsters who crave tangibility, emotion leeches, who crave the compliments, reassurance in self, for they haven't found love within themselves. It turns a void to be filled by someone else, the person who contributes most gets chosen to be used, counterfeit love, selfish abuse.

If love is not manifested from within then you'll be without, and everyone has turned a minister of Love, expressing the qualities of this counterfeit to be true, without reasonable doubt. A marionette's love, one with strings attached, the person you once loved, the person you now hate, easy transition, counterfeit characteristic, no debate.

The idea that one man or woman can satisfy all your needs is selfish and unfair, trying to change somebody to give them your own flair, you don't love them for who they are, but rather who you think they can be, those expectations immediately break down your reality.

When you accept who and where you are, and know that you have the potential for growth, you give individuals that same respect, you expect nothing and appreciate more. The gifts no longer mean I love you, but is an extention of the love they bear.

No more jealousy and the clinginess it bears, true love births trust, acceptance, vulnerability, no lust. Find true love within, or you might forever be without, let's give real love a try, let's have a counterfeit drought.

By Paul B. Peddie
July 28, 2017.

Trail of Love - By Paul B. Peddie

Once upon a time, I thought falling in love was a sacred time, a time which you dear not miss for it might come just once in a lifetime.

And there I was, enjoying an experience that might've been my last, an experience which came to an abrupt end, as if it was something coming to past, as if this was ordained, for no matter my efforts, I couldn't mend that which I didn't break.

You must understand my shock, my unexplainable joy, but not to mention, my fear, when love came knocking once more. I hesitated, I speculated, I negotiated, I debated, for I needed to be sure. Love came once before, took me through summer's fields, sure there was plenty of sunshine, but sometimes the rain poured. You must understand my devastation, when it left me once more like it did before.

Third times a charm, if it ever comes around again I was sure, well... more like hoped for. Then my eyes met yours, and the process began, sure I was cautious, and worked with my experiences at hand, for I wished not to fall, but in love, this time stand.

Each of my loves came dressed with a different character, dressed with their own way of loving me and I liked each one, a different personality each, and at each points, that love was exactly what I wanted, a love I would've chosen forever, regardless of the imperfections that started.

Regardless of how different they were, I was happy respectively, and somehow realized, that isn't how love works, love is a cycle as this life itself is too, if it comes from within you, it will always find you. And as this cycle of love ends I anticipate the next, with the new vigor, the new adventures, the new kind of happiness.

I know not where I'll end up, but as the winds of life changes, I learned I have to fix my sail, for the destination is only hyped up by the journey. Sometimes there'll be no better experience than that of the trail, for sometimes the destination turns out to be nothing more than, the very end.

By Paul B. Peddie
June 9, 2017.

Goodbye Heart - By Paul B. Peddie

Oh heart of mine, who took you this time? Now I shall have to search, shall I look forward or do I look behind? Oh heart forgive me, I was blind again, I promise this won’t be a trend, I’ll protect you from today to the very end.

A heart like you doesn’t deserve to be treated this way, and I keep on telling them, but they do it anyway… I’m trying so hard to find someone who’ll treat you the way you deserve, but it’s so hard, because all they do is slowly drag you through the dirt.

It seems there’s no one who can love you like I do, I’m near giving up but you’ll be lonely if I do… It hurts so bad to see them mistreat you, yet it hurts as much to see you blue. If only I knew which hurt less then I’d just choose... Wait, what am I saying? You should never hurt! All you’ve done was to show love from the inside to others, yet they’d never truly return it to you.

Goodbye heart, words I don’t want to say! Heart please come back to me, don’t leave me like she did us, I’ll try my best this time, I’ll try to find someone who won’t leave us behind. Someone who’ll keep you close and treat you like their own, someone who’ll hold you close to their heart and never leave you alone.

Goodbye heart. No please don’t go! I hate the person I become whenever we don’t flow… Remember what happened last time, I don’t want to re-live those days, stay with me forever and I’ll never stop trying until I find that person with that love and care you crave.

Till death do us part, so how can we say goodbye, this sounds so familiar, don’t tell me I’m gonna cry... Heart you’re all I got, I need you to help me fight, for this battle of love seems to want my life…
 
Let’s try again heart, I’ll patch you all up again, let’s not say goodbye, lets start over, lets give love another chance my friend.

By Paul B. Peddie
August 11, 2010.

Innocent Encounter By Paul B. Peddie

A misty sky, the moon hung high, we lay tangled, just she and I. Her long silky hair, her pearly brown eyes, some of her features on which my eyes were fixed. The warmth of our bodies intertwined, we lay breathing steadily, looking in each other’s eyes.
The mood rises, our breathing escalates, we feel the chills no more, the warmth of our bodies sent the chills through the door… Her nipples harden pressed against my chest, she dares not utter a word, for her situation, her body already addressed, her eyes spoke, then her body said the rest.
With no further ado, I ran my fingers down her spine; I felt her shiver, her body cried. I climbed on top, and started by caressing her breasts, she seemed to like it so I continued, but I thought to myself, what next? My heart started beating fast, but slowly she spread her legs apart, now came the very important part, ensuring both our lives don't get torn apart, so I did it just like I saw on TV, I slid it on, so the love making could go on…
In I went, a feeling like none other I’ve felt, a feeling which made my heart melt. And soon my rhythm increased, the pleasure was rising so rapidly, I could feel the tingling in my feet, her moan increased, and her nails sank deep, but somewhat immune to the pain for the pleasure was all I could feel…
What came next, it’s hard to explain, it’s like the sun getting cooled by the pouring rain, its like falling on clouds, no hurt, no pain. Yet still her nails sank as she called out my name, then she shivered and shook and moaned with a very relief look, then I laid lifeless beside her as we both smiled with passion and satisfaction in our eyes.
I got dressed and escaped through her window before her parents could know, and when I got home, we talked endlessly on the phone… First encounter for both of us, but definitely not the last, for already we were making plans about never being apart.

By Paul B. Peddie
July 1, 2010.

The Veil - By Paul B. Peddie

A special day in my life draws forth, a day which on the sea of love I’m supposed to float. Fast approaches my wedding day, a day I longed for, until today…
The love we shared was like no other, I couldn’t wait to introduce you to my mother, we fought our way through our problems and won, all our problems, all but one.
The times we shared were far more than fun, and I dreamed of the day you would have my son…
I had our future planned out so perfect, but the times grew dark as we approached it. As I fix my tie while facing this mirror, there’s a smile on my face, but my eyes, they shiver.
I walk to the isle while recalling our memories, yet I feel I’m entering enemy territories, there’s a smile on my face, a smile genuine and true, a smile that only exists because I’m thinking of you.
I hear not one word the pastor speaks, in my hands, my legs, my heart I’m weak…  Unveiling your mask before I say “I do”… as if I didn’t know before, when I lift your veil, my heart seems to fail, oh tell me what, oh what should I do? Should I hurt this person and follow through? Oh how did I let it reach this far? Do I say “I do” from my mouth or should I speak from my heart?
All these questions came, after I removed the veil, all these questions came as I recalled my trail, oh what, oh what do I now do, since I’m sure my eyes don’t fail, what do I do now since right after I remove the veil, the person I now see  isn’t you...

By Paul B. Peddie
February 3, 2010

My Kryptonite - By Paul B. Peddie

I fly across the skies, fighting crimes and revealing lies, saving lives and renewing ties… I stop meteors from demolishing the earth and kill monsters that appear from the dirt. I save cats from falling from trees, stop forest fires and excessive heat… I fight mobs and bring them to justice, I stop thieves and send them to jail, community service, rehabilitate.

When my daily duties are done in the city, I come home to my kryptonite. She’s the one I love, but it seems like a constant fight, and even though it hurts when we’re together, I still run to her every cry. Even though I’m superman I still can’t see through her lies, its like I’m so deep in love that I’m blinded by her every groove. She’s the only one I can’t overcome, and even though being with her is like being hugged by the sun, somehow coming home to her is still somewhat fun.

Sometimes it feels like a dream, like I’m living a lie, I have to find the closet and rip my shirt open to see if I really see that big red S that’s supposed to be on my chest, for only superman in this much pain could still find happiness…

OK, so I’m not really superman, but she’s still my kryptonite, and during the days my daily duties really feels like a fight, and it does hurt but gives me joy when I get home at night… And even though her name is not Louis Lane, somehow I still love her just the same, and I’m always there at her every beckon call but for us to agree seems like it takes my energy, like it takes my all…

It’s like she’s where I get my strength but at the same time, the only thing I can’t overcome, that wall. She’s my energy but also my kryptonite, it seems nothing can help me now, not even if I looked in the mirror and really saw superman in my eyes, there’s nothing to ward-off my kryptonite.

By Paul B. Peddie
August 27, 2010.

The Pied Piper Effect - By Paul B. Peddie

Imagery of crowded streets, uniformed individuals walking plotted concrete. Frozen in time while the protagonist floats around free.

Imagery I've seen a thousand times or maybe less, but imagery I've only understood to another level, minutes ago, or maybe less. Emotional wrecks, minds filled with futile thoughts, Pied Piper effect singing and dancing to their death.

A life entangled in materialistic thoughts and deceptive regime, hard labour to ensure they're constantly going downstream. Fable rewards, plastic achievements, competitive lifestyle, life without meaning.

Hanging onto faith, no hand free to catch hold of their life, wasted days, wasted nights. Foreign thoughts ridiculed, even when matched with systematic programs exposed to be leading the masses to impending doom. Proud fools, perspectives few, enormous egos, living tools.

Who then to save me but myself and I, floating freely through the carcasses, or as someone once said, the walking dead.
Eating the flesh of their kind, using their version of the Pied Piper effect to help pronounce another's death.

Filling my lungs until I breath my last breath, acquiring what I can for this life or the next. Cutting my own path, breaking free from the Pied Piper's effect.

May 29, 2017.
By Paul B. Peddie

The Abandoned Tiara - By Paul B. Peddie

I could've told you everything you wanted to hear, but I thought so much more of you and so I tried to tell you all you needed to.

Didn't turn out how I hoped it, but I would've done it just the same, set you free and you came back to me again, not sure what it meant, but I surely remembered how it felt.

If I was to have you, I wanted you to myself. I just wanted you to know me, I mean, there are parts of me I don't even know myself. You swore you fell in love, but I knew that was just the effects of the sex expressing itself, I wish we got a little further, for only then you'd see, that not only through the artwork that transports my soul, but love oozes through every aspect of me.

I wanted you in the mind frame of a Queen, for only then would you understand my stance as a King. See a Queen needed noone, she would've fought her battles and waited to be rescued by her King, it's either of two things, you didn't wait, or I just wasn't him.

Captivated by my body, you didn't get a chance to fully see my mind run free, kept it 100 even when I knew my words would cut deep, but what better way than to truly express myself, sugar coating never  helps, why advertise only my sweetness, if the "sour" parts are inevitably gonna show themselves.

Journey on Queen, the only thing constant is change, so I won't beg you not to, just that In all you do, choose the paths best for you, and if again our paths should cross, I hope it'll be as electrifying as our last.

By Paul B. Peddie  
May 27, 2017.

Like a rose - By Paul B. Peddie.

Like a rose in a garden of different flowers, concerned of her thorns, because not all possess them, unsure of how she'll rise above the rest and bloom bright, but as if it's in her DNA she knows she can, so she presses on.
If only it was as easy as a conversation or a song to flowers to help them grow,  I'd tell you beautiful,  that your thorns along with your natural beauty is what makes you a cut above the rest, continue on your rise no matter how fast or slow it might seem, and you'll see beautiful rose,  that you'll rise through the concrete if your heart so pleases.
I'd sing you the most beautiful song, every morning, all night long, and watch you grow, for you're definitely a beauty I'd hate to miss. Inside out, as beautiful as they all say and far beyond, for they see not the depth of your beauty.
I'm sure they see that your lips are indeed like the inside of a rose, and privileged the few who actually got to taste this truth,  but have they taken the time to examine your heart, your beautiful mind, and your appreciation for your heart's desires when given the chance to be yourself?
Days after you've gone I still smell your fragrance around, sometimes I wonder if I should let you wear my crown, a garden with you as the centerpiece, a garden that would always bring me adventure, pleasure, a peaceful ambiance, love in her own way, ease.
Beautiful, continue to grow, continue to give your young roses shade, this is my conversation, this is my song, should I not be able to sing to you every morning, or all night long. Your fragrance will be with me, our electrifying kisses, the warth of your hug, the way your body reacted to my every touch.
Beauty like a rose, I'm glad the day life led me to your garden, and what blossomed after your eyes met mine.

By Paul B. Peddie
May 19, 2017.

Our Truths - By Paul B. Peddie

Got this quote from a movie I watched, and my mind ignited when I heard it. "Our truths" are below it :P

"Belief is half of all healing, belief in the cure and belief in the future to come. So you must be careful in where you put it,  and in whom."

We must accept our truths, for sometimes holding onto our beliefs can only lead to our own demise. Set aside all you believe and realize what is evident, if what is evident is the same as your beliefs it will reveal itself without your involvement, without your opinion. Our opinions doesn't hold up against our truths, our opinions change with our perspectives, our truths never really change, but continue on to be what they are, our truths. We can wrap them in the finest cloths our minds have to offer, but no matter for how long, once that cloth is removed, our truths will be the same. It is merely a waste of our precious time unless we have accepted our truths, and once we've done that, our beliefs are seen for merely what it can be, a comfort to our truths. Whether we were deceived or formed our own beliefs, our truth remains the same, and in the end, if our demise comes at the hand of our beliefs, it will matter not how they were conceived, our truths will be the same, and we will have only ourselves to thank or maybe to blame, for the ending of our truth. It matters not how we reach the end of our roads, it is ourselves who make the journey, and evidently ourselves who take us to the end of whichever road we finish. Acknowledge and accept your truths, do not mistake them for your beliefs, grab hold and make the best of your truthful journey.

By Paul B. Peddie
May 11, 2017.

I Want To Be Free - By Paul B. Peddie

I am just a child, why can’t I live free? Free from hunger, free from abuse, free from poverty… I want to be free! Free to be all I can be.
Why can’t I fear normal stuff, like the monsters under the bed, things in my head? Instead, I fear monsters like Uncle Fred, my pastor Mr. Brown and my teacher Mr. Ned. I want to be free to speak, not because I’m small means my voice has to be weak.
I want to be heard, I want to have an opinion! I want to enjoy my days as a youth and then live till I’m old without my life being taken by someone who thinks they’re big, bad and bold.  I don’t know my father although I wish I did, but brother, uncle, cousin, I need your guidance and knowledge, so teach me to make a kite instead of letting me hold a gun and teaching me how to fight.
I need a role model, a mentor, a father, an outstanding individual, someone I can recline upon. And even if I can’t have that, I need a mother that is strong, a firm individual who will wup me when I’m wrong.
I want to play, I want to smile, give a little trouble, and play in the dirt for a while… I want a chance to grow, get a chance to get a good education, be a doctor, a lawyer, or even act in a show… Please, if I’m wrong I don’t mind getting scold but don’t let it be abuse, don’t hit me with anything your hands can hold, that’s cold…
Hug me and tell me you love me, keep me warm whenever I get cold. Tender love and care, all the attention in the world, that’s what I need, tell me you’ll give it, say you swear!!! I am just a child and I want to be free, so please, let me?
By Peddie
November 2, 2009.

No Price tag - By Paul B. Peddie

"How much is it? I wish you'd tell me the truth." She said, "happiness paid by love, honesty, truth..." I signed up because I thought this was perfect for me, see once I used to feel so unfortunate, so poor, without means of acquiring happiness I was bound to die a loner for sure.

Yet with time and self appreciation, with sights seen from my own eyes and not from the societal shades owned by everyone around me, I saw that I had what I truly needed, and that I was indeed rich, qualified, ready for love and to be loved since a tender age...

She listed the requirements and I ticked them off with glee, for once in my lifetime it sounded like someone was actually choosing me. See I had not the glits nor the glams, I had all that love required, except one key thing created by man, and apparently when that is missing, all applications run void...  It's not like I hid it, it was there for all to see, so I wondered what she truly wanted, apparently to fulfill a partial fantasy.

It seems the least of the union was indeed her greatest need, see it brought what she truly wanted, acceptance in the eyes of the masses, love portrayed not lived, love posed not candid.

After my world emotionally came crashing down, I dug through the rubble and found my crown. See somewhere in the midst, I lost my self worth, I'm a prized possession, chasing an extention of happiness, disregarding the main source.  

I found that it wasn't money, nor the lack thereof, but it was everything else I had to offer that made me such a catch, and those who lost me quickly found it to be true, that you can't put a price tag on happiness if it's really to be true.

And so I bask in my own company, enhancing my own traits, for whenever true love surfaces, it'll never seem too late, for I mastered the art of "Me" and in that time got my validate. First I erased the figure, then I tore that price tag off and chucked it in the trash. I'm a prized possession, and I decided never to settle for less once I learned that.

By Paul B. Peddie
May 4, 2017.

Wrong Perceptions - By Paul B. Peddie

Why do I always get perceived as someone with something always up their sleeve? I see someone who suits me, but one look and I'm that guy she always meets, that guy who's just thinking beneath the sheets, that cheater, that liar, that player, the person who's gonna break her heart - to be... They never take the time to know me, and even when they do, they still feel I ain't true, they now feel I'm too good to be true. They then bash me with accusations and hurt me with confrontations, until its too much to bear, then my heart says "Hey! let's get out of here". Soon after I do, they claim their perceptions were true, not seeing I was forced to do what I had to do... I want to be labeled as who i am, and no I won't spell it out, get to know me and take me as I am, don't shoot me down with your mouth, get to know what I'm all about. Don't stay from afar and paint a picture, get to know me from heart, its not bitter, so don't paint that sour picture... Now I'm not saying I'm no saint, but god forbid that picture you paint, for you have an image of the "dogs" in the street and to my dismay all the criterias seems to be laying on my plate. Before you stand aside and assume, treat me accordingly and not pronounce my doom, for if you do, you just might sing a different tune... On the inside is where the real me lyes, don't be fooled by your eyes, perceptions are assumptions, without evidence they are just pure unknown lies.

By Paul Peddie
Nov. 22, 2010