I secretly wanna fall in love again, even if I end up saying "never again!" again, or was it, "Never a-fucking-ghen!" uggh, I don't even know, but it gets me so electrified, I feel so open, so confident, like I have nothing to hide, especially my emotions, and I just wanna make someone happy in my own little ways, my little ways they appreciate.
I just wanna wake up happy, I wanna open my eyes and smile from the inside until it's too much to bear that it pours out onto my face. I wanna open my eyes and smile because instead of mine, I'm seeing someone else's beautiful face first thing when I awake.
I shouldn't want someone to reiterate the fact that they love me and that I deserve to be loved, but I haven't heard it in so long that I do. I shouldn't want someone to congratulate me, to highlight the things I do without seeking recognition, I shouldn't want someone to hum my unsung song, but I got a taste of it and it has been so long, that now I'd like to.
I shouldn't want that spark, for it could start a blaze, but that's why I need that spark, because it could set my darkening heart yet again ablaze. A place where love once ran rampantly, slowly turning into a lonely place, alot to give but it has been so long since it's been lit by light shining inwards.
I took some time, after the heartbreaks and damages grew in numbers, some time to myself to let my own light shine, to recreate my place of peace which I seemed to leave behind. Now that it's been repaired, I seek not to leave it behind again, but to instead share.
I secretly want to fall in love again, but I'm secretly afraid, for I dread walking similar roads again. I fear it will be even harder to mend, should I fall any at all, I might lose my all. For love has forbidden me to be timid, for such a raging fire should not be attempted to be tamed, but set free and engulf all in its way. So how then do I go forward, if I am even a little bit afraid?
By Paul B. Peddie
Aug. 26, 2018.
