Bruised me - By Paul B. Peddie

Trying to attain that which my heart has long yearned for, tried all I could and even what I thought I couldn't just to make a part of me happy, but somehow couldn't reach it, no matter how I stretched my all, still couldn't reach, Oh how I wish It was a bruised elbow, a bruised chin, or even a bruised knee, but I kept falling and each time I fell, it bruised me.
I tried, I dropped some of me while trying to attain, my ego, my shame, and sometimes it feels I dropped even my dignity, all to no avail. Other times, I latched on to my pride, fumbled but still caught my self worth, all for what, all for me to return, to try again, yet to only gain, intermittent happiness and inevitable heartbreaks.
Someone once said to me, that love is blind, yet always seems to find, but now I see, that love has never been the blind one, it has always been me, chasing after fairytales giving too much of me, to people who apparently didn't really think that much of me. Do you know how it feels? Scraping what u can of your dignity, your self worth, your pride, that u threw to the floor, after u tried to read, tried to sing, tried to harmonize your heart to someone only to find they had their ears plugged, tried to show parts of you, that to even u, were new, just to find fendy shades had them blind.
Do you know how it feels to give up? not something I normally do, but shall I not try to save what's left of me, for someone who'll appreciate the rest of me, someone who can still love, bruised me.
Never thought I'd be saying this but, I give up. I really wanted this but, it costs too much. I should only work on making u happy, then why am I worried about my happiness this much, it's because Noone else does, so let me refocus, before I get bruised too much.
By Paul B. Peddie
Aug. 19th 2019.

Love Again - By Paul B. Peddie

I secretly wanna fall in love again, even if I end up saying "never again!" again, or was it, "Never a-fucking-ghen!" uggh, I don't even know, but it gets me so electrified, I feel so open, so confident, like I have nothing to hide, especially my emotions, and I just wanna make someone happy in my own little ways, my little ways they appreciate.

I just wanna wake up happy, I wanna open my eyes and smile from the inside until it's too much to bear that it pours out onto my face. I wanna open my eyes and smile because instead of mine, I'm seeing someone else's beautiful face first thing when I awake.

I shouldn't want someone to reiterate the fact that they love me and that I deserve to be loved, but I haven't heard it in so long that I do. I shouldn't want someone to congratulate me, to highlight the things I do without seeking recognition, I shouldn't want someone to hum my unsung song, but I got a taste of it and it has been so long, that now I'd like to.

I shouldn't want that spark, for it could start a blaze, but that's why I need that spark, because it could set my darkening heart yet again ablaze. A place where love once ran rampantly, slowly turning into a lonely place, alot to give but it has been so long since it's been lit by light shining inwards.

I took some time, after the heartbreaks and damages grew in numbers, some time to myself to let my own light shine, to recreate my place of peace which I seemed to leave behind. Now that it's been repaired, I seek not to leave it behind again, but to instead share.

I secretly want to fall in love again, but I'm secretly afraid, for I dread walking similar roads again. I fear it will be even harder to mend, should I fall any at all, I might lose my all. For love has forbidden me to be timid, for such a raging fire should not be attempted to be tamed, but set free and engulf all in its way. So how then do I go forward, if I am even a little bit afraid?

By Paul B. Peddie
Aug. 26, 2018.

Born Of A Different Time - By Paul B. Peddie

Why does everything seem so complicated now, why does it seem like I now live trying to prove my worth? Running into a trail of broken hearts so I gotta be tearing down walls, walls of insecurities, walls of distrust, walls of fear, as a result of being hurt so much.

I was born of a different kind, of a different time, where emotions were easily expressed, where people never missed a chance at happiness. Now everything is bottled, caged, labeled as weak when it's expressed, yet everyone's out there seeking love, seeking happiness. No wonder all we find are lies, rivers to cry, facades of what we feel inside.

Spending your time, trying to show someone you're worth theirs, while they describe all you are as all they need, yet somehow look right through you running into the arms of everything they claim to be running from.

It's a thin line I have to trod, keeping my worth, while searching for what my soul thirsts. Vulnerability scares me sometimes, but I rather to feel, to know if it's real, which is why no matter the heartaches I discover, I still go on to search in my way, in the teachings of my kind, the teachings of my time.

I am a man, and somehow everyone forgot what that means, traveling with masks, bravados, as if everything is a battle, like they're always at war with everyone they meet. Ladies aren't ladies anymore, but somehow opposites of their once majestic selves, choosing competitiveness and placing self worth on the shelf.

I am not a part of this generation, I just live in it, I was born of a different kind, of a different time. I know my worth and I won't settle for less, I just wish it wasn't this hard finding that kind of happiness, for the rest is generated from within, but sometimes I yearn the love that a true Queen could bring.

By Paul B. Peddie
Jan. 23, 2018.

Who Am I? - By Paul B. Peddie

Who am I? No seriously, who the fuck am I? I struggle every day to not seem insane, to not seem crazy, sometimes it's like I've gone back to being a mere baby, but see, a baby and its gestures are known to the society, so then I shall dub that as the wrong analogy, for only the things not collectively taught or agreed upon, can make you seem like an insane individual.

Most of the people I meet are all caught in the stories, fairy tales, some happily ever afters, some living nightmares, and in that breath I understand why they call the opposite being "woke", because we've placed our "being" in sleep mode, and have totally taken on the full life of the persona, that character who was given a name at birth.

See nothing is wrong with where we are... No scrap that, everything is wrong with where we are, it's just that we've been led here by people who already understood what we long should've known. So they gave us stories and we took them as our own, but that's not where the sad part lies, it's the fact that we've cozied up in their arms and digested all of their lies, got burped and started to spread extended stories of our own, see now they've allowed me to use my analogy in a better way, for even as adults we are acting somewhat like babies today.

Thus commencing the submission process, giving cause to a revolution, but not the kind that comes to mind, first we have to fight a revolution against our personas, for they have taken over so much that no change can happen until individual changes do.

Somewhere along the line feeble things wouldnt exist, like comparing the vehicles we've been given to travel in, and by vehicles I do mean our bodies, whether it's committing suicide because you're overweight, or physically attacking someone because of their shade.

It goes way deeper, but if I continue then I myself would only be giving you my story to follow, so just give it a thought, who are you? When the question is directed to me, I'm still unsure of the answer, but I can tell you what I am not, and that's a mindless follower, a "zombie", a believer of your stories, I am not a quintessential of the personas you try to create, rather, label me crazy, label me insane.

By Paul B. Peddie.
Oct. 30th, 2017.

One New Step - By Paul B. Peddie

Once upon a time I stood in line, no interjection of any kind, listened to my elders though their teachings weren't always clear, had respect even when it was clear that it wasn't always shared. Being taught everyone's version, tested everyone's cure, thought I was doing the right thing, steadfast life ahead, filled with blessings I was sure.

Once upon a time, turned into yesterday, once upon a time turned into now, I questioned their teachings after failing to see results, I got greeted with disgust, laughter, and hypocrisy, yet no answer left their mouths.

Insults from the ones who teach, yes, Insults, they labelled me as rude, because I stripped their doctrine and left it in the nude.

Their confusion could've lead to my doom, for more and more I became consumed, knitted in their doctrines slowly it became my only truth. Luckily through the pain I got lessons that were taught, some without a single word, lessons that came naturally upsetting their course, a course set for my entrapment, a trail of lies and deceit, presented so nicely like fine aging cheese.

Once upon a time I learned I was never blind, and started to remove the tacks they've used to seal my eyes, ripped off the blinkers that blocked some of my vision, washed my eyes of their sticky lies, so that once upon a time, was left behind, and I started my journey, one new step at a time.

By Paul B. Peddie
July 28, 2017.

Counterfeit - By Paul B. Peddie

Just as material things have reaped counterfeit, comparison in sight, never mind the cutback on quality... so has love manifested false truths, Ideal in looks, size, even shape, but the ingredients, the quality, never one in the same.

Our idea of Love manifested in some unfortunate ways, romantic novels, movies, quotes, Instagram stories and even Facebook posts. A few of the ways, so called made to entertain, shoved loved out our hearts and sent the counterfeit to our brain.

The counterfeit love mainly seeks to please self, what the other has to offer to your physical, mental or emotional wealth. It deals with ownership and possession, see I love you, but as long as you're here with me, if you leave, then you can no longer fulfil my need. And simple things make you tell yourself your love is true, of course you're gonna be concerned about the others health, they're no good to you unless they're ok themselves.

This counterfeit love bears only sour fruit, from the results to the children who learn these false truths. Anxiety and pain,  expectations and complaints, lauding an individual with empty compliments to fill the silence in your union, material possessions, monetary gifts used to fill the gaps for these knockoff relationships never truly fits.

If a gift is not given, then love can turn to hate, if a birthday is forgotten, if you purchase silk instead of satin. The counterfeit takes many forms, material monsters who crave tangibility, emotion leeches, who crave the compliments, reassurance in self, for they haven't found love within themselves. It turns a void to be filled by someone else, the person who contributes most gets chosen to be used, counterfeit love, selfish abuse.

If love is not manifested from within then you'll be without, and everyone has turned a minister of Love, expressing the qualities of this counterfeit to be true, without reasonable doubt. A marionette's love, one with strings attached, the person you once loved, the person you now hate, easy transition, counterfeit characteristic, no debate.

The idea that one man or woman can satisfy all your needs is selfish and unfair, trying to change somebody to give them your own flair, you don't love them for who they are, but rather who you think they can be, those expectations immediately break down your reality.

When you accept who and where you are, and know that you have the potential for growth, you give individuals that same respect, you expect nothing and appreciate more. The gifts no longer mean I love you, but is an extention of the love they bear.

No more jealousy and the clinginess it bears, true love births trust, acceptance, vulnerability, no lust. Find true love within, or you might forever be without, let's give real love a try, let's have a counterfeit drought.

By Paul B. Peddie
July 28, 2017.

Trail of Love - By Paul B. Peddie

Once upon a time, I thought falling in love was a sacred time, a time which you dear not miss for it might come just once in a lifetime.

And there I was, enjoying an experience that might've been my last, an experience which came to an abrupt end, as if it was something coming to past, as if this was ordained, for no matter my efforts, I couldn't mend that which I didn't break.

You must understand my shock, my unexplainable joy, but not to mention, my fear, when love came knocking once more. I hesitated, I speculated, I negotiated, I debated, for I needed to be sure. Love came once before, took me through summer's fields, sure there was plenty of sunshine, but sometimes the rain poured. You must understand my devastation, when it left me once more like it did before.

Third times a charm, if it ever comes around again I was sure, well... more like hoped for. Then my eyes met yours, and the process began, sure I was cautious, and worked with my experiences at hand, for I wished not to fall, but in love, this time stand.

Each of my loves came dressed with a different character, dressed with their own way of loving me and I liked each one, a different personality each, and at each points, that love was exactly what I wanted, a love I would've chosen forever, regardless of the imperfections that started.

Regardless of how different they were, I was happy respectively, and somehow realized, that isn't how love works, love is a cycle as this life itself is too, if it comes from within you, it will always find you. And as this cycle of love ends I anticipate the next, with the new vigor, the new adventures, the new kind of happiness.

I know not where I'll end up, but as the winds of life changes, I learned I have to fix my sail, for the destination is only hyped up by the journey. Sometimes there'll be no better experience than that of the trail, for sometimes the destination turns out to be nothing more than, the very end.

By Paul B. Peddie
June 9, 2017.