Love Again - By Paul B. Peddie

I secretly wanna fall in love again, even if I end up saying "never again!" again, or was it, "Never a-fucking-ghen!" uggh, I don't even know, but it gets me so electrified, I feel so open, so confident, like I have nothing to hide, especially my emotions, and I just wanna make someone happy in my own little ways, my little ways they appreciate.

I just wanna wake up happy, I wanna open my eyes and smile from the inside until it's too much to bear that it pours out onto my face. I wanna open my eyes and smile because instead of mine, I'm seeing someone else's beautiful face first thing when I awake.

I shouldn't want someone to reiterate the fact that they love me and that I deserve to be loved, but I haven't heard it in so long that I do. I shouldn't want someone to congratulate me, to highlight the things I do without seeking recognition, I shouldn't want someone to hum my unsung song, but I got a taste of it and it has been so long, that now I'd like to.

I shouldn't want that spark, for it could start a blaze, but that's why I need that spark, because it could set my darkening heart yet again ablaze. A place where love once ran rampantly, slowly turning into a lonely place, alot to give but it has been so long since it's been lit by light shining inwards.

I took some time, after the heartbreaks and damages grew in numbers, some time to myself to let my own light shine, to recreate my place of peace which I seemed to leave behind. Now that it's been repaired, I seek not to leave it behind again, but to instead share.

I secretly want to fall in love again, but I'm secretly afraid, for I dread walking similar roads again. I fear it will be even harder to mend, should I fall any at all, I might lose my all. For love has forbidden me to be timid, for such a raging fire should not be attempted to be tamed, but set free and engulf all in its way. So how then do I go forward, if I am even a little bit afraid?

By Paul B. Peddie
Aug. 26, 2018.

Born Of A Different Time - By Paul B. Peddie

Why does everything seem so complicated now, why does it seem like I now live trying to prove my worth? Running into a trail of broken hearts so I gotta be tearing down walls, walls of insecurities, walls of distrust, walls of fear, as a result of being hurt so much.

I was born of a different kind, of a different time, where emotions were easily expressed, where people never missed a chance at happiness. Now everything is bottled, caged, labeled as weak when it's expressed, yet everyone's out there seeking love, seeking happiness. No wonder all we find are lies, rivers to cry, facades of what we feel inside.

Spending your time, trying to show someone you're worth theirs, while they describe all you are as all they need, yet somehow look right through you running into the arms of everything they claim to be running from.

It's a thin line I have to trod, keeping my worth, while searching for what my soul thirsts. Vulnerability scares me sometimes, but I rather to feel, to know if it's real, which is why no matter the heartaches I discover, I still go on to search in my way, in the teachings of my kind, the teachings of my time.

I am a man, and somehow everyone forgot what that means, traveling with masks, bravados, as if everything is a battle, like they're always at war with everyone they meet. Ladies aren't ladies anymore, but somehow opposites of their once majestic selves, choosing competitiveness and placing self worth on the shelf.

I am not a part of this generation, I just live in it, I was born of a different kind, of a different time. I know my worth and I won't settle for less, I just wish it wasn't this hard finding that kind of happiness, for the rest is generated from within, but sometimes I yearn the love that a true Queen could bring.

By Paul B. Peddie
Jan. 23, 2018.